2004-05-13 - 7:23 p.m.
How comforting to know that there are certain rules the universe simply does not permit circumstances to violate. Every cloud with its silver lining, every dog with its day... every rose with its thorn, night with its dawn, and cowboy with his sad, sad, annoying, toe-tappingly catchy, chart-topping but still completely unbearable song... and of course, every coffee shop with its Lunatic-in-Residence.This is not a high-priest-ish station held by some worthy from anoinment to death; it's rather like the role of president, as they all seem to have roughly equivalent and wholly exclusive terms of office. Lunatics never seem to encroach upon one another's turf, and there is either some governing body that coordinates lunatic assignments to prevent this occurring, or perhaps they self-regulate out of shared fear of possible warfare. By whatever means, rule shifts from time to time, and each lunatic's dominion helps identify a period in the coffee shop's history.
It seems appropriate, now that the coffee shop I have visited for some years has recently acquired a new Lunatic-in-Residence, to look back upon the establishment's proud history. May this document guide the inquiries of future historians, who across the turbulent tide of time will strive to elucidate the myriad mysteries of our age.
A Dynastic History of My Coffee Shop
I. THE "DARK SIDE OF THE MOON" ERA
c. 1996 - c. 1998
Reigning Lunatic: Enterprising Hippy
This burly, cantankerous dreadlocked potentate's reign was the age of the Coffee Shop Marketplace. As he held his nightly court, Enterprising Hippy tried selling everybody everything. He once bought a sack of what was presumably regular white rice for a few dollars at Superstore and proceeded to rebag it in small Ziplocks of the sort pipe tobacco is sold in and then try to sell these bags to anyone who'd listen to his pitch, which was a labyrinthine mess of pseudo-connoisseur-ish instructions detailing the precise amount of water to be used in boiling, etc., to make manifest all the subtlest culinary delights of this most gourmet delicacy.
II. THE AGE OF WRATH
c. 1998 - c. 2003
Reigning Lunatic: Absolutely Furious Old Lady
Enterprising Hippy's retirement ushered in a dark new age in my coffee shop's history, an epoch of bloodshed and war hitherto unknown to its peace-loving citizens. None were safe from the new ruler's ire: the cruel Absolutely Furious Old Lady would start battles with anyone. The poor souls behind the counter, innocent passersby, anyone foolish enough to demonstrate any trait disagreeable to her, and on occasion even inanimate objects all bore the brunt of Absolutely Furious Old Lady's fearsome rage. What began as scornful contempt and a few muttered remarks invariably escalated into obstreperous, bloody howling. No one could ever ascertain in advance, and so avoid, the cause of her venom -- they simply bore the burden of enduring it once it was unleashed.
III. THE "LIES, INC." ERA
2004 - present
Reigning Lunatic: Mr. "My Tam Is Lined With Aluminum Foil"
The prevailing atmosphere of the coffee shop is now relatively calm but suspiciously sinister; gone is the bitter fury of the Second Age -- in its place is a dark pall of paranoia that, like alleged government operatives, follows Mr. "My Tam Is Lined With Aluminum Foil" everywhere he goes. He is cheerful enough, but ever cautious and watchful, and sits alone writing in his notebooks and developing plans for escaping the tyrannical system that envelops us all and which only he sees. He will only let his guard down to engage in one social indulgence: stultifyingly tiresome conversations about Saskatchewan weather.
