2004-01-10 - 12:34 p.m.
I hate my shower. It's one of the only things about my apartment, a place otherwise delightful, that I dislike. My shower knows only two ways to deliver water to my body, and there is no means at my disposal to inform my shower of which method I prefer -- instead it selects the method it prefers and then continues with that approach until I finally acclimatize and become momentarily comfortable, at which point it switches.The controls for the shower are sham knobs, not unlike the close-door buttons in some elevators, which are not connected to anything and exist merely to give to those who need it a comforting sense of control. The sham knobs in my shower do not give me a comforting sense of control. They are there to serve the same twisted purpose as the shower itself -- to madden me. I can twist the knobs all I like, but they will have as much effect on the water's temperature or force as the knobs in my next door neighbour's shower will. Perhaps less.
My shower's two methods of water delivery are what I like to call Nasal Drip and Beat Back the Rioter. The former is at least barely tolerable, though it does prolong the experience somewhat -- imagine an off-road vehicle back from a satisfying tour through hills after rain, and imagine yourself cleaning it with a squirt gun.* You get the idea. The latter, on the other hand, makes one's shower necessarily brief -- and sometimes I catch myself involuntarily divulging top-secret information during these showers, to no one at all.
My shower has two methods of delivering water, but it also has two kinds of water to deliver: Drinkably Cool and Straight From the Earth's Volatile Core. This technically makes for four different shower varieties:
1. Nasal Drip / Drinkably Cool : Also known as "An Icicle on a Shower Head is Not As Pretty As You'd Imagine."
2. Nasal Drip / Straight From the Earth's Volatile Core : Also known as "Will I Be Buried In This Exact Position and Studied by Anthropologists Centuries From Now?"
3. Beat Back the Rioter / Drinkably Cool : Also known as "Pierced By Water, Solid and Unstoppable."
4. Beat Back the Rioter / Straight From the Earth's Volatile Core : Also known as "Pierced By Water, Vaporous and Cruel."
And now that I have shared this with you, you must excuse me, as I am off to have a shower. Pray for me.
* Thankfully I am nowhere near as large, and never anywhere near as filthy, as a muddy off-road vehicle. My shower is, however, frequently decidedly squirt-gun-like. What's troubling is that it is never certain whether this squirt gun will be of the "two dollars at the toy store" or "helpful for putting out house fires" variety.
