2003-10-27 - 6:45 p.m.
If this were an alternate universe in which Burt Bacharach and Hal David were sitting in my apartment at this very moment struggling to write a new hit while I looked on them with pity, I suppose I could help them out by describing my workday today, and they could set to work immediately on "Seven Days From Texas."Time reckoning is not my coworkers' strong suit. More than once today I was asked, "hey, aren't you supposed to be gone today?" At first I simply responded with, "ah, no, that's next week actually." But after a while it was all I could do to resist the temptation to widen my eyes saucer-like, shoot a panicked glance at my watch, exclaim "SHIT!", and make for the nearest door.
"Hye*, aren't you supposed to be gone today?" is the second dumbest question I've been asked regarding my upcoming travel. The dumbest question I've been asked was midway through last week. Someone was (surely) trying to ask me what route I was taking from here to Texas, via what myriad endless stops and layovers, and whether Steve Martin and John Candy would be there. But he did not ask, "so, what route will you have to travel?" -- no no, he asked a question that a smartass like myself sees the inspiration behind immediately but which said smartass simply cannot resist meeting head-on with a tit-for-tat response. He asked, "so, how are you flying down to Texas?"
I, and my equally smartassed colleague seated next to me, responded in unison, predictably, smarmily, with "on a plane." Of course we did. So would you have. Yes you would, pally Jim -- don't try that sanctimonious routine with your Mirabile Visu. We all have lungs, we all have intestines, we all have a pancreas, and we all have a node in our brains that steps up and promptly eclipses politeness so that the rest of the brain is free to fire a hearty "on a plane" down the ol' nerves after a question like that. Yes you do. Don't argue with me.
It's childish, yes. With that I certainly agree. It's a bit like those calming jingly metal balls you're supposed to spin around in your hand to diminish the urge to throttle your coworkers and such. Set a couple of those on your desk at work, and watch while they queue up patiently and take turns removing them from the box, spinning them around in their hands a while, and then announcing to all present that "Bob just let me play with his balls. You see that, Ed? I played with Bob's balls." I imagine a giant counter on the wall behind the desk, like one of those "Now Serving" signs with an odometerish number displayed, except this sign reads "Occurrences of the Damn Balls Joke" and the number only changes now and then because they've foregone full enumeration in favour of the much more convenient "9.9 x 1013."
And the damn balls joke ought to be thrown aside for its childishness. But saying "on a plane"? Nonsense. If anything, I think asking "how are you flying down to Texas?" should be thrown aside for its dippiness.
Yes Virginia, There Is Evil in the World
Burt Bacharach and Hal David could also write "Five Days From Halloween." But since they wouldn't want it to sound too serious, they'd make a point of trying to incorporate campy, light-hearted elements, and then they'd realize halfway-through that no one actually liked that damn "Monster Mash" song, and they'd feel horribly bad about themselves, so I'd be forced to come over and comfort them. I'd ask them to sit cross-legged on the floor in front of my chair while I told them the story of the two songwriters who once upon a time wrote a wonderful Halloween song and were praised the world over and would have lived happily ever after except they got killed. There was a hook on the handle of the car door!
Then they'd be dejected, and think that perhaps they really didn't understand the Spirit of Halloween after all, and they'd start toilet-papering their piano. Poor Burt, poor Hal -- pity them. Don't they know it's Halloween?
* This was initially a typo, but I decided to leave it because, well, "hye" sounds more like many of my coworkers than "hey" does. If I'd gone to type "hey" and accidentally typed "[dimly] Uhhh... hmmpf... gah... uhhh..," well, that would have been all the more serendipitous.
