2003-09-29 - 12:37 p.m.
Image re-invention advice for celebrities: hang up your cone bras, photograph yourself nude with Vanilla Ice no longer, and start the great revolution by writing children's books and marketing them on Oprah. The public may struggle to take this seriously, but in time all will agree that you are a creature of substance, that behind your veneer of posturing uber-sexuality you are a subtle, nuanced soul with a maternal flourish. Then, lulled into a daze by the offering of your pastel comforts, this public will cleave to your soft new image, the time ripening for the clever insertion of coded messages. By example you will inculcate a heartfelt trust which will allow you effortlessly to feed the masses your secret instructions and slowly seize absolute power over all human creation.When you have been declared the leader of all peoples, found a religion. Quickly. Market it on Oprah. Reach out to the world with a vision of peace, love, and coded messages. Sell your cone bras on e-Bay -- claim that they still bear the Holy Mark of the Blessed Breasts. Write more children's books to better unite the varied and protean minds of the world's young, fuel for the revolution. When asked what you're up to, offer only a beatific grin and sweet silence. Market your silence on Oprah.
This will work. In no time you will sit atop a vast empire of untold wealth and power, foregoing wisdom and temperance in favour of icy, heartless tyranny and buoyant sexuality. Then, when the Final Age has dawned, you shall become a regular on Will & Grace.
